Sometimes I feel like my next breath will be my last. I feel myself paying attention to the heaviness of my chest…rising to take that last breath. Then I’m afraid to exhale because I know it will be the end. Then I’m actually shocked to realize I have another breath coming right after the last one. So why did I panic that I was taking my last breath? Do you really know when ur last one is about to happen? Or are you surprised by it? Sleep is scary for me as well. Because I have to take so many meds to get out of pain then another pill for me to fall asleep. And stay asleep. What if I take too much by accident? What if I can’t wake up? What if I no longer feel any pain….what if all I feel is bliss? What if I have been fighting so hard to keep going. To keep breathing. When I’m really supposed to just stop stop worrying…..and just breathe? Breathe without thinking about whether its my last one or not. Stop worrying about the pain because the pill will make it go away. And the other pill will keep me asleep. All without me worrying about it. What if I just stopped trying to control the job that belongs to God. What would haopen then? Reboot contemplation…..just breathe…..